Blog

Just before the light

I’m in the midst of a birthing process

The pain goes high, the pattern and dynamics at play repeat themselves to make me more and more clearly aware of what’s going on. The suffering increases for each instance. The discomfort is getting way out off my tolerance. It hurts so much. So I’m ready. Ready to learn, ready to meet, ready to love.

I made an appointment with my favorite reality reframer- a mentor coach – to help me midwifing and find a new perspective.

A new layer of my being is ready to be loved. An old story and belief is ready to be seen through new light. An old strategy is ready to be thanked for the service it has been earlier in my life. I’m ready to be let go of the old for a new story, a new reading, a reading that takes into account my growth and the resources I have today compared to where I was when the old strategy come in place.

It’s feels darker than anytime

Picture Pixabay – Illuvis

Although right now, in the midst of the emotional turmoil, it looks like a mess and really a bad place to be, I have the awareness that this is something good. That this is coming up powerfully because I’m ready to take care of this fragment of me, that has been forgotten and put into a dark room to protect me.

It hurts because I have outgrown this old strategy. It once helped, probably saved me, but it’s now far too small for me to continue where my love for Life guides me.

If you wonder why I’m speaking in so general terms, it’s just because the process is still ongoing and the clarity of what wants to transform isn’t here yet. I just have the clarity that this dramatical emotional turmoil that I would have judged earlier as a solid proof of my inadequacy and my inability of taking properly care of myself, that this is a sign of growth, a new aspect ready to be welcomed in love.

Touching the basic need of connection

The pattern playing out and that hurts these days is affecting my relationships and this affects me deeply as I so intensely feel my need and longing for nurturing loving connections. It goes in a spiral where I notice painfully how I retract from connections, seeing the dynamic repeating itself, with a feeling of being out of control, fearing to create more pain, more suffering, and above all fearing loosing the love of these people- some so dear to me.

As a gift in synchronicity with my needs, a friend drew my attention yesterday to a talk of Eckart Tolle who reminded me that suffering is the fuel for us to make the commitment to meet that which no longer serves us. Because as long as the discomfort is bearable, we avoid meeting the unknown and the pain. So life generously gives us exactly what we need for us to grow.

Picture: Pixabay – Glady

My purpose in writing this is to shine a light on these transformation processes we go through. To increase the understanding of these crisis. To awake your curiosity and compassion next time you find yourself in an emotional storm, where something seems unraveling and impossible to solve. To know that you are OK and that these moments are opportunities to meet aspects of yourself that are ready to be taken care of the person you have become.

I’m also sharing because this is a vulnerable place that we are taught to hide, concealed in shame, that need more light and courage to be exposed. So that we can learn from each other that we are good, that the messiness is not a sign of failure and unworthiness, but a part of a process from which more life, joy and freedom can emerge.

Please comment below, what arise in you after this reading? Insight? Questions? Something else?

With love and compassion.

PS: Here is the link if you feel curious about Eckart’s teaching:

Dissolving fear

During a walk in a rocky track in the archipelago, as I began to feel hesitant and contracted, evaluating how to take the next step and avoid risk for falling or hurting myself, I rediscovered this tools and had a deepened insight into it.

We all have automatic responses to life and in this case when it comes to fear. And as we go through life we also get aware that these automated responses don’t serve us so well anymore but are more a restriction to how we can really live our lives.

Do the opposite

So the first tool is noticing – the fear and my automatic response. And in the case of contraction, tightening that makes it difficult and hard to move. When I notice that, I can make a new choice and do the opposite of freezing and tighten, by choosing to move softly, fluidly, in another part of my body then the one engaged in the action eliciting fear. And by moving softly that way, my body receives the signal that it’s safe to move, and can go back to its own intelligence without interference of the mind and smoothly do the next step, with ease, in it’s own knowing.

Back to body intelligence

So next time you notice your body contracting in a situation, allow yourself to move softly, oozing and discover how your body moves you forward with a new freedom to action.

Related post: Melting fears into flow

  • What’s your experience?
  • Let me know and write here in the comments.
  • Have a smooth moving day 😉
  • The healing of being seen

    “The healing magic that happens on retreat, happens through letting ourselves be seen. […] parts of ourselves we get validated instead of violated. […] One layer at a time, let down the shields. ” Darla LeDoux

    That’s what I’ve experienced in the Circle Way of Medicine Story, the magic of being witnessed and loved in all our parts. And later I experienced this principle in the powerful transforming tools of Christian Pankhurt’s HeartIQ circles, where we are invited to expand our emotional range, discover our core goodness and own more and more of ourselves. These are some of my inspiration and tools for what I want to bring into this world.

    I invite you to listen to Darla’s podcast episode where she explains transformation to get a fooler understanding and normalise it, inclusive the scary messy aspects on the always evolving path of our lives.

    So what are YOU afraid to be judged for? And what would become available if you owned that aspect of yourself?

    What are you ready to come out with? Please share in the comments!

    A breakdown for a breakthrough

    About how commitment to your dreams and surrender takes you to the next level in your life.

    There are place in ourselves we wouldn’t choose to go willingly. Aspects of us we would do all we can to avoid showing them. Because we learned throughout life that these aspects were weaknesses, not acceptable, shameful. And unconsciously we do all we can to avoid needing feeling that again.

    And still, in these places is gold to be found.

    The power of the choice to show up in the unknown, surrendering to the moment and what is.

    At the end of the week of Embodied Speaking at New Eden (Holland), as a conclusion of our training we were invited to prepare and perform on stage a presentation speech of 4 minutes. 

    We were given the time over lunch to get prepared. I had quite a few ideas, but to extract the essence, it was clear that I needed more time. And I really felt the futility and counterproductivity to work hard to try to force my creativity. I know things need to be dropped a while to let the process continue in the background and complete it effortlessly when it’s ripe.

    So I first had to let go of the expectation to be able to articulate right now THE message that says all about my work and passion. I would have so loved to have an impactful, clear message I would be proud to publish to inform about what I want to serve. I realised that I had to accept what was ready to be expressed now in its imperfection.

    But even so, preparation time was over before I managed to formulate a coherent message with a visible red thread.

    The other participants began to perform their pieces. I was amazed how they one after the other could bring a strong beautiful content about their passion and what they want to bring to the world. As time passed, I was more and more aware that my turn would come and I still had no clue about how to present why I’m doing what I do. Distress grew in me to the point it was disturbing me and I needed to do something to let it move.

    As I didn’t want to interrupt my friends on stage and I no longer could focus on their performance, I chose to eject from the event room and meet my feelings outside.
    My tears running, someone came to me to hear what was going on for me.
    I expressed all my distress of not having a speech ready.

    After a while explaining to her why I couldn’t perform and feeling the familiar frustration of not feeling able to take my next steps in my heart centered business, I finally asked myself what was worse that could happen now: being on stage and being the only one who didn’t manage to come with a coherent content for her message? Or not going on stage and sit afterwards with the group in circle when we would celebrate that we all made this decisive courageous step toward speaking from our heart in an impactful form, however the performance went.

    Rather show up than hide anymore 

    At this point it was clear that the shame of being the one who is not being able to bring an coherent content was nothing compared to the feeling of misery of not having symbolically taken that step. I understood that I’d rather dropped any ambition to make it right and allowed myself to just come on stage without other ambition than showing up.

    So tears still running, I went back inside. Someone just finished his talk and the next person was called to go. To the questioning look at me, I decided that this was the time to go – my emotions were anyway unlikely to settle within the coming minutes.

    A deep breath, moving my body and feeling it, stepping on the stage, go and stand in the middle of the front of the stage and take in my audience. After a few eye contact, a wave of emotion swept over me. So I began to speak, presenting myself and naming my uncontrollable emotional state I face so often as the highly sensitive person I am. How it shuts down my logical left brain and although my emotions are there running I had this day chosen to show up anyway.

    I told my story of the gifts of having my logical rational minds qualities that were appreciated and encouraged since my childhood. How I became a Ms mechanical engineer, whose work and performance were appreciated. I was good and praised at my work but I always had to fight back these emotional waves outburst that were seen as inadequate weaknesses. And my slow pace to answer in the moment were considered as signs of incompetence- quick answers were king.

    As good I was at my engineering work, 8 years ago I remember how I was telling my best friend how I was doing my best at my work and still didn’t feel satisfaction and pride – only so drained. Her answer came like a slap in my face. ” Well it means that it’s not your best”. What was she saying? Then it became clear: I did my best as an engineer but this wasn’t the best I could do. I had something else to give.

    So from that point I have been in a quest to align myself with my truth, a self discovery journey where I learned different skills to support others to create and step into a life of deep satisfaction, purposeful, meaningful, where their very qualities, their essence find her expression.

    As I got tense while speaking, I invited myself to breathe together with the audience.

    I closed my speech by inviting people feeling that they don’t fully fit in and or feel stuck, not able to express their fullest self to take contact with me to explore what could help them.

    When I still stood there on stage, I could feel the joy of having done my speech despite my fear of exposing my emotions and not having a coherent message. At this point, I just enjoyed having dared to show up. And at the same time hearing my mind telling me “that’s all good, but why on earth would anyone be interested to hire me after seeing that, when showing myself so fragile with so strong and visible challenges- not having it all together? »

    Only when debriefing with some of my friends could I realised the positive impact of what of me had just shown up. 

    These tears I so feared to expose, all these authentic emotions served my message, guiding me to tell just what was relevant of my life story for the purpose I’m here to serve today. “It felt as if you planed your tears just to make the necessary impact ” was one of the comments. 

    I had just been shown by Life what a new paradigm leader can look like, in full coherence with who I actually am, without pretending of having it all fully under control.

    This dive in the unknown and surrendering to what is, gifted me with a clarity that had eluded me until this moment: I knew more now about who is the specific audience I’m here to serve: highly sensitive persons whose emotions and pace have been in the way of their full expression in life, and let them find their way toward the impact and change they long to gift our world with.

    Commitment to my purpose 

    Another gift that I have been given and reminded of through this experience was to witness that my commitment to show up to what I felt was most serving me gave me access to resources in myself to respond in real time to what is needed in the moment. And that my preparation didn’t need to be complete, meaning that I don’t need to know exactly what to say before hands. All the pieces can fall into place in real time.

    I experienced this again two days later. At the beginning of the week, I had committed to lead a body movement morning practice. And when time came, I just had had a very unsettling short night sleep. 

    By feeling into the fact that practicing my leadership was a step serving my purpose I wanted to take, and this was a beautiful opportunity, I could decide to be fully present and gently take care of my energy as it was before starting the session, trusting that I would find a flow. During the session, I witnessed how my intuition delivered in the moment ingredients I had wondered before how to integrate.

    And the feedback after the session was so good. I could gratefully see the progress of my loving command to guide others.

    Now it’s your turn!

    How can you use more commitment to your higher purpose and let go of the control habits and  surrender to your intuitive intelligence in your life?

    What are your experiences? 
    What can you do today that serves your growth?

    Tell me in the comments!
    Have a vibrant living day!

    Storms of despair

    Sometimes I wonder
    How am I really doing
    Lately I’ve been so easily intensely shaken
    Desperate
    Strong feelings, no more horizon, no more perspective
    Just feeling the hardship

    What to do when it comes strong
    Again and again?
    I know these feelings need to be felt
    The part feeling distressed, crying for love and support
    In a world that doesn’t seem
    To offer just that

    Or is it true?
    I know also the infinite beauty
    I also heard that voice in me
    So late as yesterday
    Saying- there’s nothing wrong with this planet
    All is there for love to be felt
    And expressed

    And my emotional waves continue
    To give me rides in the depths of despair
    Where I see no light
    No bright futures to hold onto
    As a raft of the tumultuous
    Ocean of pain, doubts, brokenness

    So I try to sit beside me
    And feel the love for this creature who’s me
    That she’s craving
    That’s all she needs
    Love
    Being loved in all her aspects
    And more than anything else
    She wants to feel how She
    Loves
    Life, humans, trees, the mysteries

    Waves, ebb and flows
    How do I help these suffering parts of me to see
    That there are all reasons
    To stand up again
    And that the feeling of ease and joy
    Can stay more tangible

    Some people tell me
    It’s a choice to be made
    Moment by moment
    To feel and fuel yourself
    From ease and joy
    From Love
    From source

    She prays
    That next time the stormy feeling settles
    And let the surface of her inner world
    Rest in beauty and light
    For the peaceful feeling
    To linger longer in her
    So she can feel nurtured
    And build her strength
    So that she might
    Act in this world
    And spread her light
    To all others

    She has also been reminded of
    Not to take her waves, her up and downs
    Too personally
    Not make it mean anything about herself
    About her worthiness
    These are waves
    Where highs and lows follow each other’s
    In cycles repeating themselves
    Just be with it

    And choose
    Trust
    In life
    And land into what is
    Rest at the low of the waves


    Create experiences of connectedness

    How do I create an experience of the world that is more connected, that is more loving?

    That’s the kind of questions that we need to ask ourselves when we wonder how to touch more people to change their behaviors. And just do that! In the small, intimate sphere and in the larger public sphere, in our work.

    Changes of behaviors that really help manifesting the change serving Life need to be rooted in a change of beliefs systems.
    Getting experiences that reconnect us to our love, to others, to life is what fosters change in beliefs systems.

    It’s never about persuasion, coming with enough logical, rational, scientific evidences. We replace the old paradigm by practicing, offering a taste of the new one. That’s how the necessary shift can occur.

    I’m happy to share this interview from Charles Eisenstein who have been a deep inspiration source for me these past years for what is possible and that following my heart is the only thing that makes sense!

    So what are your ways to create more connectedness?

    Vision and Rhythms

    I know the power of being connected to my vision so I regularly review what are my longings and what I invite more of in my life.

    Still tired but inspired, I share with you…

    And what I got confronted again was my relationship to the highs and lows – fearing and rejecting the lows and still knowing that the life I really long for allows me to enjoy resting, not doing, breathe out and let my tank be refilled

    High and low energies integrated in the vision – Give and receive

    So after two days resting and wondering what would I do if I felt right now sparkling energy, I came up with a new picture, centered on the rhythms of my energies, where I just surf the wave without judgement, doing what the high energy makes possible, invite my peace to rest and receive what I need in the low of the wave.

    Following the waves of Life

    From that place, what I dream to do and live is so much more accessible. My creativity wakes up and my confidence in next wave to come grows

    Love what is – movement and stillness

    Follow your own pace!

    Do you feel at ease with the pace of life around you? Or are you struggling to keep up and push yourself to deliver answers and results more quickly? Do you know what your true pace is and how does it influence your ability to be in flow and at ease in your life?

    Made wrong during childhood 

    One strong memory I have from preschool time, as a 4 year old, is sitting alone in the classroom while the other kids are playing outside. I’m punished because I haven’t finished my eggshells collage. My schoolteacher made clear to me: I’m too slow and should train to catch up.

    The feeling of inadequacy grew through the years, with anguish and difficulties to perform as asked during each first term of each grade to bloom later in the second half of the year.

    Later, during my mechanical Ms.Sc studies, I remember a meeting to start a project with a car museum manager. My mentor teacher lectured me after the meeting for not having taken the chance to ask more questions- meaning that I missed the opportunity to do so. From my side, I had been absorbing all the new information I was given and couldn’t reach in the moment the point where I could discern what kind of other information would be necessary.

    So I tried to adapt and integrated that I should be able to deliver more quickly. Went along in life pushing myself to perform, often feeling highly stressed and inadequate doing so.

    The courage of the Snail!

    Escargot003During my training as a lifecoach, we talked about courage and should chose an animal as a symbol for our courage. I first couldn’t come up with anything, but our coach would let this be my answer. So after some long seconds in discomfort , I burst out: 

    “It can’t possibly be a snail! It’s so smal and fragile, anyone might crush it anytime”

    While saying this I realised that it required courage to be this little slow snail, amongst all the fast moving people. This metaphor helped me to connect to some of my aspects, own them, understanding more the gifts in them.

    Getting at ease with my way of being 

    This journey led me to explore the implications of introversion and reading about it could see more clearly that my slow response in new encounters and situations is my natural way that goes hand in hand with my love to go deeper into things.

    img_0487

    How easy is it for you to go through life at just your pace? What are the challenges for you? What do you witness in your life when you allow yourself to follow your pace?

    Please feel free to write your reflections here.

    Live a good life!

    What treasures are you hiding?

    We are all so much more complex then we are often willing to show. And there are aspects of life we haven’t learn to value, because it was either made wrong or overviewed when we grew up.

    For instance, I’m grown upp in a family where art wasn’t something serious – that it won’t bring food on the family table. I never felt made wrong for my drawings but it wasn’t encouraged either. On the other hand, learning to read, write, mathematics and science were skills that were rewarded both at school and at home.

    So I chose the mechanical engineering path and was proud and happy with that for a while. But that wasn’t all of me.

    Some years ago, I reconnected with my love for drawing with at therapist. She made me discover a way to connect  with my inner world, reach to parts of me that I otherwise found difficult to get in touch with. A wonderful way of expression.

    What are you ways of expression? What do you hide in your closet, keep for yourself when you’re on your own, no one seeing or listening? What juicy ingredient of you are you dismissing because you don’t believe it’s enough valuable to be seen? Or that you feel cannot be part of what you bring to the world because you haven’t had role-models for this in your life?

    I’m curious to hear what you connect to with these questions. Feel free to leave a comment here!

    Liv a living life!